Weekend loneliness

Warning: This will not be a positive post.

That doesn’t mean that I’m so incredibly unhappy here that I want to go home the next chance I get. I felt like writing about another aspect of living abroad since I haven’t in awhile. The thing is, sometimes, I feel really lonely here. It’s not that I don’t have friends or things to do. Rather, it’s that the people I spend my time with all have things to do outside of me. I’m not the center of anyone’s world (not that I want to be – that’s a lot of pressure) so I do sometimes end up alone.

I usually feel this the most on weekends. The problem is that the people I spend the most time with are either Ecuadorian – and thus have their own families and lives that make demands on their time – or foreigners who have other demands on their time during the weekend. I don’t mean to say that I end up staying at home, by myself, every single weekend; but I do spend a significant amount of time alone on Saturdays and Sundays. Maybe that’s my fault…I don’t know.

In the States, this wouldn’t always bother me because there are so many things I can go do by myself. And while I’m not afraid to go do things by myself here, I don’t feel I have as much freedom as I do back home for safety reasons. I won’t be out by myself after dark, for obvious reasons. But I also try to avoid certain areas and certain activities during the day as well. I won’t go see a movie by myself, for example. I also won’t go walking around the Mariscal alone since it’s known to be full of tourists, and hence, a target for thieves.

Additionally, spending lots of time with Ecuadorians stresses me out because I’m so terrified of offending someone. For example, I enjoy spending time with my boy’s family because they’re so nice and treat me very well. Yet, I’m so afraid of doing something offensive or wrong that I sometimes prefer not to see them when I’m low on energy or not feeling well. This creates a problem on weekends since that’s how a lot of Ecuadorians spend their free time – with family.

In case you’re wondering, this all came up because I feel lonely now. I had plans to go on a weekend trip with a friend, but I had a lot of grading and she wasn’t feeling great. I was asked to spend time with family, but since I also haven’t been feeling great lately (something’s going around), I’m not sure I’ll go – especially since grandparents are involved. They tend to terrify me on a whole other level.

I guess my point is that even with friends and significant others, living in a foreign country can be lonely. After living there for a while, the energy boost that comes from wide-eyed, childlike curiosity over everything wears off. You find yourself back in your normal style of living. Maybe it’s just me, though. Maybe everyone who’s lived abroad is reading this and thinking I’m an idiot. Well, at least I’m doing my best. I’m usually quite happy, but sometimes personality happens. Everyone has different experiences. Perhaps this will become irrelevant next cycle when I begin teaching on Saturday mornings. We’ll have to wait and see.

Now to end on a positive note:

Starting at the top - Israel, Iris, me (obviously), Cesar